I found out today why he got so far into debt... He was trying to bring on a heart attack, which would've meant the debts were totally wiped clear and the life insurance would've provided enough to keep his family. He felt so guilty about everything he'd done, and so miserable about being with my mum, that the only way out he could see was to die.
I want to cease existence. But I'm not running away. I just don't see the point of life. If there was joy then I'd want to exist, but life is just day after day of mediocrity mostly. Whereas he wanted to die to escape marriage, to escape the knowledge of his affairs, to pretend his perversions did not exist, and... the other reason too.
I still don't know whether the other reason is real or not. See what you think...
My youngest sister frequently had inexplicable bruises when she was a child. This may not have been my father, mind. She was still medically a virgin in her late teens (no way am I asking her if she is now!) However, she has memories (which may be false memories, mind) of how my father looks naked and of violent episodes, though the perpetrator is not visible to her.
When I first discovered the pain that first episodes cause (pre-teens) I decided to ensure I would not have that pain... but I found I was not medically a virgin after all. I have violent sexual memories dating back to my childhood... though I also cannot see who the offender is. Like my sister I also know how my father looks... explicitly. I have nightmares which focus around violent sexual episodes. I have depression... quite severely, I think, although I will not be seeing a shrink till Wednesday.
Now, it's possible to lose your virginity by being sporty, climbing trees, falling hard... whatever. It's possible to have false memories based on something you have witnessed in person, on TV, or something you've read. It's possible to have an overactive imagination that creates what isn't there. It's possible to walk in on your parents playing or bathing.
It's hard to believe a parent would do any of the things my sisters and my mother suspect... For me, at least... though not for them. However, I can see no way of knowing either way.
And, what's past is past... surely? What was is done and cannot be undone regardless. It's surely better to deal with the residual mental health problems than focus on what could have been?
What do you think?