Rufus and his/her siblings were born in the wee small hours of this morning... Ru joined us at 1.27 a.m. S/he is dark tabby with a few white markings and is second greediest of the bunch. Tonks comes in as greediest but s/he is the biggest of Ru's siblings so it's no wonder. The other 2 living kittens are the runt - white with tabby markings and noisy as hell, and Filly's twin - s/he is identical to the ma.
Ru will be coming home between 16th and 30th October, depending on how the weaning goes.
Why is it that I keep feeling let down? Do they even know they're doing it? Is it simply that we have different priorities?
They make no promises, give no guarantees... And yet I hold them to my expectations when I really shouldn't.
It does hurt, tho.
I wonder whether I ought to carry on, or whether this is a test to see how far I'll go. But I can't believe that of them. And I care for them too much not to try.
Besides, with one of them... Since he's been near my world's brightened and when I'm near him I feel real...
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31st -
I find myself slipping back into the old habits and the old ways and I don't care. There's a part of me wants to be back there. Safe in the familiar. At least then I'd know who to blame.
Now, I hate going into work. I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating properly, i'm not productive, I don't want to see anyone. I don't care about me, and I'm feeling betrayed - tho I'm not. I'm a victim of my own irrational hopes. So I deserve this pain. I caused it myself. My goal now is to keep this from the world.
Yesterday was horrible. The people I loved... and still do a little... But, I'm nothing. And that's because I've made myself that way. I wish I didn't need to be. I wish it wasn't safest to be that way. I wish this could end.
Here in work we just had a conversation/debate about suicide and the various ways of carrying it out... I shocked them by giving my opinion... because they had never expected I would have such a knowledge of different methods/means and their efficacy. I would say "oops" but I think it's actually quite funny.
I joke with people about how my life is like a soap opera... I've just realised I react to things like a soap opera character. I know I'm not responsible for causing many of the events which occur in and around my life, but would they seem less extraordinary if I were a less soap-dramatic person?
Maybe I'm not that dramatic a person... maybe I'm simply... simple! A lot of my reactions are instantaneous, instinctive rather than learned... childlike, even. Perhaps I've never grown up. Perhaps I never will.
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On a separate, but potentially related, note... I've been thinking a lot recently about Malaysia. I think I let them down. I think I let down the kids, the teachers, the villagers. I could have done so much more than I actually did. And I knew that at the time. And I know it now. I could have taken on more lessons, I could have given more private tuition, I could have made more books and materials, I could have spent more time in the village, I could have spent more time with the teachers, I could have learned more of the language. In short, I let them down. And realising I've let them down means I feel I've let myself down too.
I feel I'm letting myself down on a lot of things. And often it's by choice. Why would I want to be anything less than I am, though? I've always ranted about the ultimate individual human goal being to strive to be all you can be. But I'm not... and I'm choosing not to. I'm a hypocrite on top of everything else!
Urgh... I should just stop thinking, retreat into my head again for some while and just be.
Maybe I should've had myself admitted to the looney bin. I'm clearly incapable of rational behaviour.
--
Regardless of all else... this is something new. We would never have known this would happen without it having happened at least once. And now we know. I hope we stay together. I like him so much.
The worst of it is how dumb it's made me feel for worrying that something might have happened to him.
Or is it?
Maybe the worst of it is how little he must think of me to not even think of having any sort of natter for nearly 5 days. He told me things about being around and protecting and watching out for me and so on... and then he negates it with his actions. Maybe that's the worst of it.
I feel so stupid. And I sent such stupid messages to him. He must think I'm a total spacker. I'm sure he'll run away.
My gut hurts. I've managed to totally screw up yet again. I forced myself into his life when he wasn't really interested and then I messed it up, and then I ranted at him over it. I am hazardous. I should be kept away from all people. Always.
