I feel I ought apologise, readers all, for my absence from this space.
Truth is I've been suckered in by the evil that is MySpace. It's a convenient package, I'll admit, but there're some nasty beasties hiding in those banner ad's, and some equally nasty beasties with profiles too!
I came back here because of Solender. I'm subscribed to his blog, so every so often a pearl, a gem, a veritable diamond drops into my Inbox. One did today. It reminded me why this place was so valuable to me, how it still could be.
And so I vent...
There's this guy... There's always a guy, or a girl, when it comes to me. There's always someone, and when there isn't someone there's the possibility or expectation of someone. I don't want a someone but there always is one. Fearnley commented on it, I don't doubt others are fully aware of it... I'm cognizant of it. It's part of what makes me me and what sends me crazier than ever. I hate people, I get nauseous being in typical social groups, I eventually find excuses to avoid everyone. But I also have a desire to connect... to understand and be understood. My ideal is The Tribe. However, that's pure longing... society as it stands is not built for The Tribe.
Partway through writing this my network connection died. While fixing it I realised I don't want to write any more. Suffice it to say someone I care about has gone. Just as they always do. Every time.
...make the world go away? (Other than by alcohol or drugs?)
Horace the Karma Llama strikes again. Least I no longer need to be paranoid about EmoPirateDude... He's gotta be perfect for so much bad to happen today.
I need sleep.
I've not taken my anti-depressants for a week. It's weird.
When my dad first left my ma started chatting to people online. She then became convinced that one of the people she was chatting with was my dad in disguise... especially when she then arranged to meet him in person and he stood her up.
Then she got with her (ex-)boyfriend and forgot about it all.
However she and Pete split at the start of the week and she's now convinced again. She was going to go visit this guy over the weekend and he's cancelled. So, she's now convinced again that this guy is actually my dad.
She's completely ignoring the fact that my dad doesn't have internet access, that she was talking to this guy online at the same time as I was talking to my dad on the phone... and that once she was talking to him online while I was having dinner with him in the pub.
How on earth am I supposed to convince her?
I have shrinkage today... and I'm scared. I didn't sleep properly last night either
My father found out about my mother's boyfriend. Saturday, when I saw him, he sent his best wishes for them both, that he liked ma's boyfriend very much and that he was happy for them... that he hoped they'd do well together.
I told my ma he knew, that he was happy for them, that they seemed a really good match and that he sent his best wishes.
She told her boyfriend.
That is why they argued Saturday, that is why she came home suicidal, and that is why they've now broken up... At least... that's what she says.
So, either her (ex-)boyfriend is a complete wanker who was using her and dumped her as soon as the relationship became known to her ex-husband. Or, she's blaming my dad for something he didn't do.
In the same way as he blames her for things she didn't do.
In the same way as they've both blamed myself and my sisters over the years... to give them a reason not to feel guilt themselves.
Taking all this into consideration, it's no wonder I feel guilt for everything... Even things I've never had any involvement in.
The beautiful blonde may not be my boyfriend atm... I'm not sure how things stand between us.
But... I've just had a call from the boyfriend of the girl Blondie went to visit on his 3-day bender last weekend. He said Blondie, the girl and the boyfriend had a 3some.
It wouldn't have bothered me if Blondie had told me. It shouldn't bother me now... being as we may not be together. But I'm still hurt.
I found out today why he got so far into debt... He was trying to bring on a heart attack, which would've meant the debts were totally wiped clear and the life insurance would've provided enough to keep his family. He felt so guilty about everything he'd done, and so miserable about being with my mum, that the only way out he could see was to die.
I want to cease existence. But I'm not running away. I just don't see the point of life. If there was joy then I'd want to exist, but life is just day after day of mediocrity mostly. Whereas he wanted to die to escape marriage, to escape the knowledge of his affairs, to pretend his perversions did not exist, and... the other reason too.
I still don't know whether the other reason is real or not. See what you think...
My youngest sister frequently had inexplicable bruises when she was a child. This may not have been my father, mind. She was still medically a virgin in her late teens (no way am I asking her if she is now!) However, she has memories (which may be false memories, mind) of how my father looks naked and of violent episodes, though the perpetrator is not visible to her.
When I first discovered the pain that first episodes cause (pre-teens) I decided to ensure I would not have that pain... but I found I was not medically a virgin after all. I have violent sexual memories dating back to my childhood... though I also cannot see who the offender is. Like my sister I also know how my father looks... explicitly. I have nightmares which focus around violent sexual episodes. I have depression... quite severely, I think, although I will not be seeing a shrink till Wednesday.
Now, it's possible to lose your virginity by being sporty, climbing trees, falling hard... whatever. It's possible to have false memories based on something you have witnessed in person, on TV, or something you've read. It's possible to have an overactive imagination that creates what isn't there. It's possible to walk in on your parents playing or bathing.
It's hard to believe a parent would do any of the things my sisters and my mother suspect... For me, at least... though not for them. However, I can see no way of knowing either way.
And, what's past is past... surely? What was is done and cannot be undone regardless. It's surely better to deal with the residual mental health problems than focus on what could have been?
I would suggest we make bets on the possibility of my surviving the weekend... but I know the answer already. I'm still not selfish enough to go through with it. I'm selfish enough to be a total bitch to the guy I love... and then to stress him out into running away... but I'm not selfish enough to run away myself.
How wrong is that?
I'm sticking around because I made a promise and because other people need me. I'm not sticking around for me.
I'm not even sure I exist right now!
I started crying and now I can't stop... If nothing else, I'll at least have beautiful skin. Although, with the lack of sleep and the unlack of alcohol it'll probably take more than a few drops of salt...
How do I manage to do this?
I find something beautiful... or something beautiful finds me, more like... and I drive it away.
Rufus and his/her siblings were born in the wee small hours of this morning... Ru joined us at 1.27 a.m. S/he is dark tabby with a few white markings and is second greediest of the bunch. Tonks comes in as greediest but s/he is the biggest of Ru's siblings so it's no wonder. The other 2 living kittens are the runt - white with tabby markings and noisy as hell, and Filly's twin - s/he is identical to the ma.
Ru will be coming home between 16th and 30th October, depending on how the weaning goes.
Prozac Princess '06
